וואָס ניט צו טאָן אין אַ פּאָלעמיק מיט אַ שוטעף: די מיינונג פון סייקאַלאַדזשאַסס

You often find out that your partner is not happy with you during a conversation about laundry or school projects for children. You get angry and get defensive. It seems that the partner is looking for the guilty and attacks you.

However, such a reaction can create more problems. Psychologist John Gottman calls the aggressive defensive reactions of the spouses one of the signs of divorce.

Gottman and his associates have been studying the behavior of couples for 40 years, trying to find the reasons that lead to the breakup of a family. Their manifestations can be found in most families — we are talking about unconstructive criticism, disdainful statements, defensiveness and emotional coldness.

According to Gottman, the defensive stance «turns on» in response to any perceived aggression from a partner. What can be done before the problem begins to destroy the relationship?

Don’t raise your voice

“When we become aggressively defensive, the instinctive urge to raise our voice immediately arises,” says family therapist Aaron Anderson. “It is the result of many thousands of years of evolution. By raising your voice, you are trying to intimidate the interlocutor and put yourself in a dominant position. But you don’t want your partner to feel uncomfortable in your presence. So instead of raising your voice, try to keep your voice down. This will help you and your partner to at least partly get out of the defensive position. You will be surprised How long more pleasant communication will become.

Ask yourself: why am I on the defensive?

“When we feel the need to defend ourselves, we react to the trauma that we once received. Often this is due to the family in which we grew up. The paradox is that in adulthood we are looking for partners with whom we will experience the same difficulties that we have known since childhood. Only we can deal with injuries. To get rid of the need to protect yourself, it is important to look inside and deal with the feeling of vulnerability, ”says family therapist Liz Higgins.

Listen carefully to your partner instead of making up objections

“When the interlocutor is torn and torn, it is easy to start thinking about a plan of counterattack. If you switch to this, you will stop hearing what your partner wants to say. It is worth listening carefully to everything and finding something with which you can agree. Explain what you agree with and what you don’t,” says family psychologist Daniella Kepler.

Do not leave the topic

“Be mindful of the subject matter,” says Aaron Anderson. – When we get defensive, we forget what we are talking about and start listing relationship problems in an attempt to “beat” our partner and win the argument. As a result, the conversation begins to move in a circle. To prevent this from happening, focus on the issue at hand and resist the temptation to bring up other issues, even if you think they are related to the topic of discussion.

נעמען פֿאַראַנטוואָרטלעכקייט

“Those who tend to be defensive tend to show their partner that they really want the best for him,” says family therapist Kari Carroll. “Therefore, when their partner expresses some kind of need, they immediately begin to justify why they could not give it to him, while relieving themselves of all responsibility and trying to minimize the problem.

Sometimes they even make themselves a victim and start complaining: “No matter what I do, it’s not enough for you!” As a result, the partner feels that his needs are diminished and neglected. There is dissatisfaction. Instead, I suggest that couples who come to me behave differently: listen carefully to what the partner is worried about, acknowledge that you understand his or her feelings, take responsibility and respond to the request.

Skip the «but»

“You don’t want to use the word ‘but’,” advises family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw. — I hear clients say to the partner the phrases “You are saying reasonable things, but …”, after which they try to prove that the partner is wrong or is talking nonsense. They show that what they want to say is more important to them than what their partner says. If you want to say «but», hold back. Say, «You are saying sensible things» and complete the sentence.

Don’t «get smart»

“My clients begin to criticize the statements of the partner in the form, for example: “You are using such and such a word wrong!” Kari Carroll says “In happy couples, partners are looking for a way to listen to each other’s requests and wishes.”