ינהאַלט
פארוואס טאָן איר טראַכטן מער וועגן "עקס" אין קאַנפיינמאַנט און פאַנטאַסייז וועגן רופן?
פּאָר
The psychologist Silvia Congost, an expert in emotional dependence and relationship conflicts, explains how to manage the interest in contacting ex-partners in this context of uncertainty
It is estimated that every day we have about 60.000 טראכטן and most are ריפּעטיטיוו, נעגאַטיוו and belonging to אַמאָליק. Taking into account these last three qualifiers, it would not be strange to imagine that the “ex”, that is, the “former romantic partners” figure in the “top ten” of the recurring thoughts in these days of confinement: “How will he be?” Has he become ill with coronavirus? “,” Has the ‘bug’ affected someone in his family? “,” How will the confinement at home take? “,” Will you continue working or will your company have made cuts or layoffs? ” …. The list of questions can be long and, indeed, as confirmed by Silvia Congost, an expert psychologist in זעלבסט זיכערקייט, עמאָציאָנעל אָפענגיקייַט y פּאָר קאנפליקטן; Many people these days wonder why they don’t stop thinking about their “exes.”
In her book «Alone» the psychologist invites lose the fear of loneliness, whether or not it has been chosen voluntarily, and provides the resources to get in touch with those individual spaces that are so important and necessary for the פערזענלעכע וווּקסTherefore, as he explains, knowing how to be alone is a sign of maturity, autonomy and personal wealth.
However, in these days of קאַנפיינמאַנט we try to respond to many of the emotions that are mixed with general uncertainty and anxiety. One of the most common is precisely trying to reconnect with former partners, those people who were once important to us. The increase in psychological consultations Around this matter, in recent days, with Silvia Congost’s help, she has led us to look for what lies behind this new “need” that seems to have arisen in this very particular context.
Why do you think more about exes these days?
This is usually for three reasons. One is because we get bored. We spend many hours locked up at home these days and, if we have no one to think about emotionally, no one with whom we are in love, or no one who gives a little “life” to our life, our mind becomes goes to the last relationship we’ve had.
Another reason is because we feel alone. Many people feel the need to have that important “someone” and do not know how to be without a partner. In addition, being confined, they give even more thought to that absence of relationship and that makes them remember the last one they had.
And the last of the reasons would be for emotional dependence. If we have broken up with a partner, but have not yet overcome the addiction, being alone at home can be very bad because it is very easy for there to be relapses.
How can we know if that need occurs because of the context or because the feeling for that person is still alive?
If the relationship is over (and that always occurs when one of the two does not love the other), we should not continue in contact with that person. But if it took a lot to close that chapter and we see that every time we hear about him or her we have a hard time but still we cannot avoid writing or calling or even looking at what he does on his social networks is that there is still צוטשעפּען. We must do contact «zero» if we really want to overcome it and these days can come great to achieve it.
The excuse of “I hope you are well” to talk to someone with whom we have not contacted for a long time is common in times of coronavirus, what recommendations would you give when that someone is an ex?
Without a doubt that is the main excuse for which we are reconnecting right now. However, we should analyze ourselves before doing so and remember that we are no longer with that person. If we are in a process of grief after a breakup, trying to turn the page, we should not contact you whatever the occasion, not on your anniversary, or if we find out that you have lost your job … unless both people are clear that this is over and there is no feeling beyond one אָפנהאַרציק פרענדשיפּ.
If you are tempted to contact an ex but we don’t get a response, how do you advise managing that indifference?
Understanding it as a gift from life! Because the fact that you don’t respond to us, it certainly is. It’s a gift. He is telling us that he does not care about us and that we leave him alone and we must accept it. without flagellating us or making us the victims. For something we are no longer together, right? We must learn to let go and let go when it touches.
What if we are the ones who receive this attempted contact from an ex-partner?
If we realize that this message is not going well for us because after the contact we think too much about that person, we must be clear and express our desire for “zero” contact and, if the other person does not understand or respect it, we have to “block” that person, without any doubt.
Some people often search for what their exes do or say on social media, how can you resist that temptation? Is it appropriate to block or put the means to avoid falling into it?
In this situation, it is best צו פאַרשפּאַרן. The more barriers or impediments we put in order to access the information, the better. And the same thing happens with physical objects that remind us of that person. The first thing we must do is stop following that person and then we must block both that person and their friends and family who can publish images or information about him or her.
This is something that people who are hooked do not usually understand (or even seems fatal), but it is the fastest and most effective way. Be brave and try to “hold on” without blocking having the candy in front of us is a waste of time if we have a down payment, because we will end up consuming that information.
What are the signs that indicate that we are emotionally dependent on that person?
If we feel that we need him, that we are not capable of being without him or without him, if we are obsessed and cannot get him out of our head, if we feel that our life without him or without him makes no sense, if it hurts in the imagine that you are with someone, if even if sometimes we see that we are not well and that the relationship does not work, we do not care and we blindly trust that one day the relationship will work (even if it is totally irrational) … They are signs that indicate that it is for us as one מעדיצין, that we know that we are doing badly and that it is toxic, but that we cannot leave it.
Is it more difficult if the breakup was recent or if the breakup was not entirely clear on the part of either member of the couple?
Of course. The less time you make of a צעברעכן, worse we are. We have to grieve yes or yes, what happens is that, being locked up, we have fewer distractions and our mind goes there, to that topic, more easily. The more resolute he was before confinement, the better.
If we feel that there are loose ends, that there are absurd hopes or that one of the two is self-deceiving, it is better to clarify it as soon as possible.
How do you advise taking advantage of this confinement to heal emotional wounds?
You have to take advantage of learn to be alone. It is the ideal moment, because you cannot leave the house.