ווי צו בלייַבנ לעבן אַ באַליידיקונג?

Anna spent several weeks organizing a party to celebrate the company’s anniversary. I booked a cafe, found a presenter and musicians, sent out dozens of invitations, and prepared gifts. The evening went well, and at the end Anna’s boss got up to give the traditional speech.

“He didn’t bother to thank me,” says Anna. — I was furious. She put in so much effort, and he didn’t see fit to admit it. Then I decided: if he does not appreciate my work, I will not appreciate him. She became unfriendly and intractable. Relations with the boss deteriorated so much that she eventually wrote a letter of resignation. It was a big mistake, because now I understand that I was happy in that job.”

We feel disadvantaged when we don’t get the respect we feel we deserve. When someone forgets our birthday, doesn’t call back, doesn’t invite us to a party.

We like to think of ourselves as selfless people who are always ready to help, but more often than not, we get offended and think that we have been taken advantage of when the person we gave a lift, treat, or rendered a favor leaves without saying thank you.

Watch yourself. You will probably notice that you feel hurt for one of these reasons almost every day. Common story: the person didn’t make eye contact when you were talking, or got in line ahead of you. The manager returned the report with the requirement to finalize it, the friend turned down the invitation to the exhibition.

Do not offend in return

“Psychologists call these resentments “narcissistic injuries,” explains psychology professor Steve Taylor. “They hurt the ego, they make you feel unappreciated. Ultimately, it is precisely this feeling that underlies any resentment — we are not respected, we are devalued.

Resentment seems to be a common reaction, but it often has dangerous consequences. It can take over our minds for days, opening psychological wounds that are difficult to heal. We replay what happened over and over in our minds until the pain and humiliation wears us down.

Usually this pain pushes us to take a step back, causes a desire to take revenge. This can manifest itself in mutual disdain: “She didn’t invite me to the party, so I won’t congratulate her on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia) on her birthday”; «He didn’t thank me, so I’ll stop noticing him.»

It happens that resentment builds up, and it comes to the fact that you start to look the other way, meeting this person in the hallway, or make stinging remarks behind your back. And if he reacts to your dislike, it can escalate into a full-blown enmity. A strong friendship does not withstand mutual recriminations, and a good family falls apart for no reason.

Even more dangerous — especially when it comes to young people — resentment can provoke a violent reaction that leads to violence. Psychologists Martin Dali and Margot Wilson have calculated that for two-thirds of all murders, the starting point is precisely the feeling of resentment: «I am not respected, and I must save face at all costs.» In recent years, the U.S. has seen a surge in “flash homicides,” crimes triggered by minor conflicts.

More often, the killers are young people who lose control, feeling hurt in the eyes of friends. In one case, a teenager shot a man at a basketball game because «I didn’t like the way he was staring at me.» He approached the man and asked: «What are you looking at?» This led to mutual insults and shooting. In another case, a young woman stabbed another because she wore her dress without asking. There are many more such examples.

Do they want to offend you?

What can be done to be less vulnerable to resentment?

According to personal counseling psychologist Ken Case, the first step is to accept that we feel pain. It seems easy, but in reality, much more often we get hung up on the thought of what a nasty, evil person it is — the one who offended us. Recognition of one’s pain interrupts the compulsive replaying of the situation (which is what does us the most harm, because it allows resentment to grow beyond measure).

Ken Case emphasizes the importance of «response space». Think about the consequences before reacting to an insult. Remember that with those who are easily offended, others are not comfortable. If you feel slighted because you expected a certain reaction, and it did not follow, perhaps the reason is inflated expectations that need to be changed.

“Often resentment arises from a misreading of a situation,” psychologist Elliot Cohen develops this idea. — If someone does not notice you, perhaps you attribute to your account something that has nothing to do with you. Try to look at the situation from the perspective of someone who you think is neglecting you.

Maybe he was just in a hurry or didn’t see you. Behaved frivolously or was inattentive because he was immersed in his thoughts. But even if someone is really rude or impolite, there may be a reason for this too: perhaps the person is upset or feels threatened by you.

When we feel hurt, the hurt seems to come from outside, but ultimately we allow ourselves to feel hurt. As Eleanor Roosevelt wisely said, «No one will make you feel inferior without your consent.»