עלטער פון צושטימען: ווי צו האַלטן דיין טין זיכער פון געשלעכט זידלען

The basics of child sexual safety are taught by parents. Confidential conversations, sensitive questions, and timely comments will help you explain to your daughter or son what personal boundaries are, what not to allow others to do to you and your body, and how to take care of yourself in potentially dangerous situations.

This «cheat sheet» for parents will help you approach sensitive topics with a healthy mind and discuss the most important points with your children.

1. Touch games

Unlike adults, teenagers are not shy about slapping each other, slapping each other on the back of the head, or grabbing each other by the nose. There are also more severe options: kicks or blows to the genitals that boys exchange, spanks with which they “mark” their sympathy for girls.

It is essential that your child does not allow such touching and distinguishes it from ordinary friendly spanking.

When children are asked about these games, often the boys say they do it because the girls like it. But the girls, if you ask them separately, say that they do not perceive spanking on the fifth point as a compliment.

When you happen to watch such games, don’t leave them without comment. This is not an option when you can say: «Boys are boys», this is already the beginning of sexual insults.

2. Self-esteem of teenagers

Many girls aged 16-18 say they hate their bodies.

When our children were small, we often told them how wonderful they were. For some reason, we stop doing this by the time they reach adolescence.

But it is during this period that children at school are most exposed to bullying, and besides, a teenager begins to worry about changes in his own appearance. At this time, he literally feels a thirst for recognition, do not make him vulnerable to false affection.

It is at this time that it will never be superfluous to remind the teenager about how talented, kind, strong he is. If a teenager interrupts you with the words: “Mom! I know it myself, ”do not let it stop you, this is a sure sign that he likes it.

3. It’s time to start a conversation about what consent means in sex.

We’re all good when it comes to talking about taking your time with sex, sexually transmitted infections, and safe sex. But not many dare to start a conversation about sex with their child with more subtle questions.

• How can you understand that a boy likes you?
• Can you guess that he wants to kiss you now?

Teach your child to recognize intentions, to read emotions correctly.

Your child needs to know that mild teasing can get to the point where it can be difficult for a boy to control himself. For American teenagers, the phrase «Can I kiss you?» has practically become the norm, the child needs to be explained that only the word “yes” means consent.

It is important for girls to tell them that they should not be afraid to offend with their refusal and that they have the right to say “no” if they do not like something.

4. Teach them to talk about love in a worthy language.

Long conversations about boys on the phone, discussing which of the girls is the prettiest — all this is a common occurrence for high school students.

If you hear your child say things like «butt is good,» add, «Is this about that girl who plays the guitar well?» Even if the child ignores the remark, he will hear your words, and they will remind him that you can talk about love and sympathy with dignity.

5. The power of hormones

Tell your child that sometimes our desire can get the better of us. Of course, all-consuming feelings of shame or anger, for example, can completely capture us at any age. But it is in adolescents that hormones play a big role. Therefore, knowing this, it is better not to take the situation to extremes.

You can feel confused, you can not understand what you feel, you can experience several different conflicting feelings, and this happens to everyone, both teenagers and adults.

The child needs to hear from you that, whatever it is, he can come and tell you about what is bothering him. But for his desires and their embodiment, for the way he shows his emotions, he is already responsible for himself.

6. Talk to him about parties

It often happens that parents think: in our family they don’t drink or use drugs, the child absorbed it from childhood. No, you need to make it clear to the teenager that you do not want him to do this.

This is the time when teenagers start to party, and you need to talk with the child about all the risks in advance. Perhaps he expects communication from parties and does not yet imagine in what extreme forms it can manifest itself. Ask your child direct questions ahead of time:

• How do you know if you’ve had enough alcohol?
• What will you do if you see that your friend has had a drink and cannot get home on his own? (Say that he can call you at any time and you will pick him up).
• How does your behavior change when you drink? (Or discuss how those with whom he knows behave in this state).
• Can you protect yourself if someone close to you in this state becomes aggressive?
• How do you know you’re safe if you kiss/want to have sex with someone who has been drinking?

Explain to your child, as trite as it may sound, that a person who is intoxicated should not be the object of sex or violence. Tell him that he should always show concern and take care of his friend if he sees that he has drunk too much and cannot cope on his own.

7. Be careful what you say

Be careful how you discuss violence in the family. The child should not hear from you the phrases «It’s her fault why she went there.»

The victim is NEVER responsible for violence.

8. After your child is in a relationship, talk to him about sexuality.

Do not think that in this way a teenager has already entered adulthood and is responsible for everything himself. He is just starting out and, like all of us, he may have many questions.

If you are attentive and perceptive, find a way to start a conversation about topics that excite him. For example, about who dominates in a couple, where the boundaries of the personality lie, what needs to be frank with a partner and what not.

Teach your child not to be a passive observer of his own body.