וואָס איז די געפאַר פון די "גוט מיידל" סינדראָום

Why do we hear so often about cases of violence against women? Mainly because society still turns a blind eye to male cruelty and sometimes leaves it unpunished. The times when men considered their wives and daughters as their property and could do with them as they pleased are long gone, but we still have to face similar situations and seek fair punishment for criminals.

• According to data published by WHO, almost one in three women (30%) in the world experience physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner or sexual violence by another person during their lifetime.

• Globally, 37% of women in relationships report experiencing some form of physical or sexual violence by a partner during their lifetime.

• Up to 38% of the murders of women in the world are committed by their male intimate partners*.

Cruelty often gets away with men. Obviously not enough is still being done to change this. But there is another reason why women are victims of violence — they try too hard to be good. This makes them an easy target for insults, moral abuse, beatings and sexual abuse. Such women do not know how to stand up for themselves and break off unhealthy or dangerous relationships.

Being a “good girl” increases the likelihood of abuse, but it does not follow that a woman provokes a man to do disgusting things. This in no way means that she is to blame. It only means that a woman who is too correct and obedient gives a specific signal to men who are prone to manipulation and violence.

The bitter truth is that women are not supposed to be good girls. This is dangerous. Yes, we have an obligation to hold men who abuse power accountable and punish them, but in the meantime, women continue to suffer.

Unfortunately, there are many people in the world (both men and women) who will not fail to play on someone’s weakness. From their point of view, kindness and generosity are shortcomings. Of course, not everyone comes across a partner who will mock her psychologically, insult or beat her, but every such woman is at risk.

Who are the «good girls»?

Such a woman cares more about how others treat her than how she treats herself. She cares more about the feelings of others than her own. She seeks to earn universal favor and does not consider her desires.

The dictionary gives many synonyms for the word «good»: caring, pleasant, sensitive, accommodating, kind, sweet, sympathetic, amiable, charming. They describe exactly what a «good girl» is. Many of them go out of their way to be perceived that way. But in fact, completely different epithets correspond to this image. Such women:

• געהארכזאם. They do what they are told. They have learned: to do as it is said is easier than to object;

• פּאַסיוו. They are afraid to stand up for themselves, so they are easy to manipulate and push around. They prefer to remain modestly silent for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or for fear of hurting themselves;

• Weak-willed. They are so afraid of confrontation that today they say one thing, and tomorrow another. In an effort to please everyone, they agree with one person, turn 180 degrees and immediately agree with his opponent;

• Are hypocritical. They are afraid to admit what they feel, so they pretend. They pretend to like someone who is actually unpleasant. They pretend to want to go somewhere when they really don’t want to.

Blaming them for this behavior is just as unacceptable as blaming victims of violence for instigating the attack themselves. They behave this way for good reasons, including cultural environment, parental attitudes, and childhood experiences. In addition, the «good girl» syndrome has four main sources.

1. Biological predisposition

Women in general are more patient, compassionate and prefer a bad peace to a good quarrel. Harvard University professor Carol Gilligan came to the conclusion that the phenomenon that everyone used to call female submissiveness, most often turns out to be a need to find a solution that would suit everyone: “This is an act of caring, not restrained aggression.”

A University of California study found that women have a wider behavioral repertoire, unlike men, who are limited to two choices: «fight» or «flight.» The stress response is accompanied by the release of oxytocin, which keeps a woman from rash acts and makes her think about children, as well as seek support from other women.

2. Social stereotypes formed under the influence of the environment

Girls are supposed to be polite, decent, well-behaved and accommodating. That is, they are by default made «of all kinds of sweets, cakes and sweets.» Unfortunately, in many families and cultures, a woman is still required to please everyone, to be selfless, affectionate, modest, and generally to live for the sake of others.

In addition, a teenage girl is taught that in order to achieve this ideal, you need to stop being yourself. Soon she really shuts up and hides her feelings. She has a mission: to try to please others, especially members of the opposite sex.

3. Family settings

Relatives convey their views on life to us. In fact, we copy everything: from the relationship model to the understanding of the female role in the family. These beliefs form our thinking, behavior and worldview.

There are several typical family situations, under the influence of which a “good girl” grows up:

• cruel and despotic father or older brother,

• spineless mother,

• upbringing in the tradition of misogyny,

• parents who insist that she should be restrained, sympathetic and affectionate.

For example, the false rule that other people’s interests should be put above personal interests is usually learned at home. It is formed on the example of a spineless or dependent mother who sacrifices herself for the sake of her family or husband and never considers her own needs. Looking at her, the girl quickly learns that a decent woman, wife and mother should forget about herself and live in the name of someone else’s good.

It happens in another way: a woman receives the same attitude from selfish or narcissistic parents who live for their own pleasure, ignoring the needs of the child. A girl growing up in such conditions begins to think that her well-being depends on whether she will be able to satisfy other people’s whims.

4. Personal experience based on early experiences

It is not uncommon for these girls to experience emotional, physical or sexual abuse during their childhood or adolescence. Parental abuse and neglect creates a distorted worldview and unhealthy tendencies that force a woman to be a «good girl». Ultimately, those who develop this syndrome:

• blame themselves for everything that goes wrong

• doubt themselves, their knowledge, feelings and impressions,

• blindly believe other people’s words, even if a person has let them down more than once,

• naively justify the true motives of someone’s actions,

• believe that they are obliged to satisfy other people’s desires, even to the detriment of themselves.

But the main factor responsible for the development of the “good girl” syndrome is fear.

What are women afraid of?

There are many reasons for fear, but most often they are due to the very fact that women are the weaker sex, at least physically. Most men are indeed stronger, so it is not surprising that they manage to intimidate women. We may not realize it, but the fear is there.

Another deterrent is the penis, the natural male weapon. Most men don’t think about it, and neither do most women. However, the erect penis is used for penetration, pain and power. Again, women do not realize that this archaic fear lives in them.

We «know» that our safety is in the hands of men. If we risk arguing with them, they will get angry and may punish us. Although most men do not take advantage of their physical superiority over women, the possibility of a threat always remains.

The second reason for deep female fears lies in the historically established dominance of men. Throughout human history, physical force has been used to subdue the recalcitrant and demonstrate power.

Men have always been stronger than most women and, with rare exceptions, have occupied a dominant position in society. Therefore, women have been attacked and threatened by men for centuries and, accordingly, were forced to fear them.

Until recently, domestic violence was not considered something out of the ordinary. Remnants of the past are still preserved in some countries, for example, in India and partly in Africa, a woman is not considered a full-fledged person: her father, and then her husband, manages her.

Despite tremendous efforts to prevent domestic violence and child sexual abuse, these two crimes are still prevalent throughout the world. As before, husbands abuse their wives, and child sexual abuse is on the rise.

A girl or woman who experiences abuse—physical, emotional, or sexual—is engulfed in shame and horror. Many of them are haunted by the fear of being in the same situation again. Although he also acts on a subconscious level, it is really the easiest way to rein in a girl with threats to hurt.

These fears are at the root of many, if not all, of the false beliefs that make up the «good girl» syndrome. So, many women are hesitant to end a painful relationship, even if they know they should. It’s not that they are weak, stupid or masochistic who enjoy suffering. They are afraid of everything that was said above. But if a woman manages to understand what scares her, the feeling of shame for her “bad” behavior gradually lets go.

If you are the kind of woman who is tired of being a «good girl», face your fears. This will help you understand yourself, forgive yourself, find hope and want to change.

^{*וועלט געזונט ארגאניזאציע וועבזייטל}

^{Source: Beverly Angel’s book «Good Girl Syndrome: How to get rid of negative attitudes from childhood, accept and love yourself»}