Why do we crave some feelings and be ashamed of others? If we learn to accept any experiences as natural signals, we will better understand ourselves and others.
«Do not worry». We hear this phrase since childhood from relatives, teachers and outsiders who see our concern. And we get the first instruction on how to treat negative emotions. Namely, they should be avoided. But why?
bad good advice
A healthy approach to emotions suggests that they are all important for mental harmony. Emotions are beacons that give a signal: it’s dangerous here, it’s comfortable there, you can make friends with this person, but it’s better to beware. Learning to be aware of them is so important that it is even strange why the school has not yet introduced a course on emotional literacy.
What exactly is bad advice — «do not worry»? We say it with good intentions. We want to help. In fact, such help only leads a person away from understanding himself. Belief in the magical power of «don’t worry» is based on the idea that some emotions are unambiguously negative and should not be experienced.
You can experience several conflicting emotions at the same time, and this is not a reason to doubt your mental health.
Psychologist Peter Breggin, in his book Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety, teaches us to ignore what he calls «negatively trailed emotions.» As a psychiatrist, Breggin regularly sees people who blame themselves for everything, suffer from shame and worry forever.
Of course he wants to help them. This is a very human desire. But, trying to splash out the negative impact, Breggin splashes out the experiences themselves.
Garbage in, garbage out
When we divide emotions into strictly positive (and therefore desirable) and negative (unwanted) emotions, we find ourselves in a situation that programmers call «Garbage in, Garbage Out» (GIGO for short). If you enter the wrong line of code into a program, it will either not work or it will throw errors.
The “Garbage in, garbage out” situation occurs when we internalize several misconceptions about emotions. If you have them, you are more likely to be confused about your feelings and lack emotional competence.
1. The myth of the valency of emotions: when we represent each feeling in terms of whether it is pleasant or unpleasant, whether it is desirable for us or not.
2. Limitation in working with emotions: when we believe that feelings should either be suppressed or expressed. We do not know how to explore the feeling that covers us, and we strive to get rid of it as soon as possible.
3. Neglect of nuance: when we do not understand that each emotion has many gradations of intensity. If we feel a little annoyed at a new job, this does not mean that we made the wrong choice and that we should immediately quit.
4.סימפּליפיקאַטיאָן: when we do not realize that several emotions can be experienced at the same time, they can be contradictory, and this is not a reason to doubt our mental health.
The myth of the valency of emotions
Emotions are the response of the psyche to external and internal stimuli. In and of themselves, they are neither good nor bad. They simply perform a specific function essential to survival. In the modern world, we usually do not have to fight for life in the literal sense, and we are trying to bring inappropriate emotions under control. But some go further, trying to completely exclude from life that which brings unpleasant sensations.
By decomposing emotions into negative and positive, we artificially separate our reactions from the context in which they appeared. It doesn’t matter why we’re upset, what’s important is that it means we’ll look sour at dinner.
Trying to drown out emotions, we do not get rid of them. We train ourselves not to listen to intuition
In the business environment, manifestations of feelings that are associated with success are especially valued: inspiration, confidence, calmness. On the contrary, sadness, anxiety and fear are considered a sign of a loser.
The black-and-white approach to emotions suggests that the “negative” ones need to be fought (by suppressing them or, conversely, letting them pour out), and the “positive” ones should be cultivated in oneself or, at worst, depicted. But as a result, this is what leads to the office of a psychotherapist: we cannot withstand the burden of repressed experiences and cannot figure out what we really feel.
Empathic Approach
Belief in bad and good emotions makes it difficult to realize their value. For example, a healthy fear keeps us from taking unnecessary risks. Anxiety about health can motivate you to give up junk food and play sports. Anger helps you stand up for your rights, and shame helps you manage your behavior and correlate your desires with the desires of others.
Trying to evoke emotions in ourselves for no reason, we violate their natural regulation. For example, a girl is going to get married, but she doubts that she loves her chosen one and will love him in the future. However, she persuades herself: “He carries me in his arms. I should be happy. All this is nonsense.» Trying to drown out emotions, we do not get rid of them. We train ourselves not to listen to intuition and not to try to act in accordance with it.
An empathic approach means that we accept an emotion and try to understand the context in which it arose. Does it apply to the situation you are in right now? Did something bother you, upset you, or scare you? Why do you feel this way? Does it feel like something you’ve already experienced? By asking ourselves questions, we can gain a deeper understanding of the essence of experiences and make them work for us.
About the Expert: Carla McLaren is a social researcher, creator of the theory of Dynamic Emotional Integration, and author of The Art of Empathy: How to Use Your Most Important Life Skill.