פּאַרענטאַל ייליאַניישאַן סינדראָום: צי ניט צווינגען דיין קידס צו קלייַבן

When we part with a partner, passions rage in our soul. And therefore, it is especially important to be attentive to your own words and actions so as not to harm children. After all, if there is a war between adults, not only they suffer from it, but also their common children.

On whose side are you?

The term parental alienation syndrome was coined by child psychiatrist Richard Gardner. The syndrome is characterized by a special state in which children plunge during a conflict between parents, when they are forced to «choose» which side to take. This condition is experienced by children whose mothers and fathers do not allow the second parent to participate in the child’s life or severely limit communication between family members.

The child begins to experience rejection in relation to the parent from whom he is separated. He can get angry, declare his unwillingness to see his mom or dad — and do it absolutely sincerely, even if he previously loved this parent very much.

Let’s make a reservation: we are not talking about such relationships in which there was violence in any form — physical, psychological, economic. But we may suspect that a child is experiencing parental alienation if his negative feelings are not caused by his experience.

We are talking about parental alienation syndrome if the child is broadcasting the message of the parent with whom he remains, rejecting the one who is no longer part of the family. A child becomes an instrument of revenge on a partner when there are no good reasons to forbid communication with the second parent, and before the divorce, there were warm and tender relations between family members.

“Dad treated me badly, so I don’t want to see him” is the child’s own opinion. “Mom says dad is bad and doesn’t love me” is the opinion of a parent. And far from always such messages are dictated by concern for the feelings of the child.

“It is important to understand that it is extremely difficult for a child in general when his parents swear or quarrel. And if one turns him against the other, the situation is much more difficult, says clinical psychologist and Gestalt therapist Inga Kulikova. — The child feels a strong emotional stress. It can be expressed in different ways, including in the form of aggression, irritation, resentment against one of the parents, or both. And these feelings will be manifested in the address of the parent with whom it is safer to present them. Most often, this is the adult who is present in the life of the child episodically or does not take part in it at all.

Let’s talk about feelings

What does it feel like for a child who has experienced the effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome? “When the rejection of one of the parents is nurtured in a child, he experiences a serious internal conflict,” says Inga Kulikova. — On the one hand, there is a significant adult with whom relationships and affection are formed. The one he loves and the one who loves him.

On the other hand, the second significant adult, no less beloved, but who has a negative attitude towards his ex-partner, prevents communication with him. It is extremely difficult for a child in such a situation. He does not know whom to join, how to be, how to behave and, thus, remains without support, alone with his experiences.

If the family did not break up by mutual consent, and the separation was preceded by quarrels and scandals, it is not easy for adults to hide their negative emotions towards each other. Sometimes the parent with whom the child lives prefers not to hold back and, in fact, transfers the function of a psychologist or girlfriend to the child, pouring out all his pain and resentment on him. It is categorically impossible to do this, because such a burden is beyond the power of children.

“In such a situation, the child feels confused: on the one hand, he loves the parent, wants to sympathize with him. But he also loves the second parent! And if the child takes a neutral position, and the adult with whom he lives does not like it, then the little hostage of the situation may experience a toxic sense of guilt, feeling like a traitor, ”says Inga Kulikova.

Children have a certain margin of safety, but each one is individual. And if one child can overcome hardships with little loss, then they can affect the state of another in the most negative way.

“Children may react differently to what is happening: someone is sad and sad, starting to get sick and catch a cold often, someone feels guilty and directs all aggression towards himself, which can lead to symptoms of depression and even suicidal thoughts,” warns expert. — Some children withdraw into themselves, stop communicating with their parents and friends. Others, on the contrary, express their inner tension in the form of aggression, irritation, behavioral disorders, which, in turn, leads to a decrease in academic performance, conflicts with peers, teachers and parents.

צייטווייליגע רעליעף

According to Gardner’s theory, there are various factors that influence whether a parent’s rejection syndrome will manifest itself. If the parent with whom the child was left is very jealous of his ex-spouse, angry with him and talking about it out loud, it is likely that the children will join these feelings.

Sometimes the child begins to actively participate in creating a negative image of the mother or father. But what is the mental mechanism that causes a child who loves both mom and dad so much to team up with one parent against the other?

“When parents quarrel or, moreover, get divorced, the child feels strong anxiety, fear and internal emotional stress,” says Inga Kulikova. — The usual state of affairs has changed, and this is stressful for all family members, especially for a child.

He may feel guilty about what happened. May be angry or resentful of a parent who left. And if, at the same time, the parent who stayed with the child begins to criticize and condemn the other, to expose him in a negative light, then it becomes even more difficult for the child to live through the breakup of the parents. All his senses intensify and sharpen.»

The situation of divorce, separation of parents makes the child feel powerless, which is difficult for him to accept and come to terms with the fact that he cannot influence what is happening in any way. And when children take the side of one of the adults — usually those with whom they live — it becomes easier for them to put up with the situation.

“Combining with one of the parents, the child feels more secure. So he gets a legal opportunity to openly be angry at the «alienated» parent. But this relief is temporary, since his feelings are not processed and integrated as an experienced experience, ”the psychologist warns.

Of course, not all children accept the rules of this game. And even if their words and actions speak of loyalty to their parents, their feelings and thoughts do not always correspond to what they declare. “The older the child, the easier it is for him to keep his opinion, despite the fact that one of the parents broadcasts a negative attitude towards the other,” explains Inga Kulikova. “In addition, children may develop a lot of aggression towards a parent who speaks badly of another and prevents communication with him.”

It will not be worse?

Many parents who have been banned from seeing their children give up and stop fighting to keep in touch with their children. Sometimes such mothers and fathers motivate their decision by the fact that the conflict between parents will have a bad effect on the child’s psyche — they say that they «protect the feelings of the child.»

What role in the development of the situation does the fact that the parent generally disappears from the radar or simply appears extremely rarely in the field of view of children? Does he confirm by his behavior their “guesses” that the parent is really “bad”?

“If an alienated parent rarely sees his child, this aggravates the situation,” Inga Kulikova emphasizes. — The child may perceive this as a rejection, feel guilty or angry with an adult. After all, children tend to think a lot, to fantasize. Unfortunately, often parents do not know what exactly the child fantasizes about, how he perceives this or that situation. It would be nice to talk to him about it.»

What to do if the second parent completely refuses to let the children go with their former partner, even for a couple of hours? “In an acute situation, when one of the partners is very negatively disposed towards the other, it may be useful to take a short pause,” the psychologist believes. “Retreat for at least a few days, step aside a little so that the emotions subside. After that, you can start to slowly build a new contact. No matter how difficult it may be, you need to try to negotiate with the second partner, designate a distance that suits both, and continue to communicate with the child. At the same time, try not to ignore the former partner and his experiences, otherwise this may lead to an aggravation of the conflict and aggravate the situation.

צװישן מיר און דיר

Many grown children whose mom and dad were unable to find a common language after the divorce remember how the second parent tried to communicate with them while the other adult was not looking. They also remember the feeling of guilt before those with whom they lived. And the burden of keeping secrets…

“There are situations when an alienated parent secretly seeks meetings with children, comes to their kindergarten or school,” says Inga Kulikova. — This can have a bad effect on the psycho-emotional state of the child, as he finds himself between two fires. He wants to see one parent — and at the same time will have to hide it from the other.

Feel sorry for yourself

In the heat of resentment and despair from the fact that we are not allowed to communicate with our closest and loved ones, we can say things that we will later regret. “It is tempting for an alienated adult to try to form a coalition with the child against the other parent, allowing himself to make negative statements and accusations against him. This information will also overload the child’s psyche and cause unpleasant feelings,” says Inga Kulikova.

But what to answer if the child asks difficult questions to which we ourselves cannot find the answer? “It would be appropriate to indicate that there is a very difficult and tense relationship between parents, and it takes time to figure it out, and this is the responsibility of adults. At the same time, it should be noted that love and warm feelings for the child remain, it is still significant and important for both parents, ”says the expert.

If for various reasons you cannot contact children and suffer from this, you should not think that your feelings are not worthy of attention. Perhaps taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do right now. “It is important for a parent who is not allowed to communicate with a child to maintain the position of an adult. And this means understanding that the child’s negative feelings towards him can be caused by a traumatic situation.

If you are very worried, you should contact a psychologist for help. A specialist can support, help to realize strong emotions, live them. And, most importantly, figure out which of these feelings you have for the child, which for the former partner, which for the situation as a whole. After all, it is often a ball of different emotions and experiences. And if you unravel it, it will become easier for you, ”concludes Inga Kulikova.

Working with a psychologist, you can also learn how to communicate with the child and the second parent more effectively, get acquainted with unusual, but effective strategies for communication and behavior.