איך ווייס נישט ווער איך בין: ווי אזוי צו געפינען מיין וועג צוריק צו זיך

As we grow up, turning from children into teenagers, we absorb knowledge from the world around us and learn from other people. If others listen to us, we understand that our needs are important and we ourselves are valuable. This is how we learn that we are individuals with our own ideas and behavioral patterns. If we are lucky with the environment, we grow into adults with a healthy sense of self. We learn that our opinions and thoughts are important, we know who we are.

But those of us who grew up in unhealthy environments that may have involved physical or emotional abuse, neglect, or overprotection developed differently. If our feelings and thoughts have been ignored and our particularities barely acknowledged, if we have been constantly forced into submission, as adults we may wonder who we are.

Growing up, such people rely too much on the opinions, feelings and thoughts of others. They copy the style of friends, buy cars that at one time or another are considered fashionable, do things that they are not really interested in. Let others make decisions for themselves.

Doing this again and again, a person feels depressed, doubts the correctness of the perfect choice, worries about what his life has become. Such people feel helpless, and sometimes even hopeless. Over time, their sense of self becomes more and more unsteady, they lose touch with themselves more and more.

When we understand well who we are, it is easier for us to make decisions and live in general. We attract emotionally healthy friends and partners and build healthy relationships with them. Learning and understanding yourself helps you feel more satisfied and happy. Knowing what we want, we can move in the chosen direction.

Psychotherapist Denise Olesky talks about how to become more aware.

1. באַקומען צו וויסן זיך

Start with the «About me» list. Make at least a small list of what you like. For starters, five to seven points are enough: favorite color, taste of ice cream, film, dish, flower. Make a new list once or twice a week, including five to seven items each time.

Make a list of smells you like, like homemade cookies or freshly cut grass. List of favorite books or those you want to read. A list of video games or board games that you enjoyed as a child. List the countries you want to visit.

List your political views, hobbies, possible career paths, and anything else that piques your interest. If you feel stuck, ask friends and family members for ideas. Over time, you will get to know yourself better and begin to slowly recognize your individuality.

2. Listen to your feelings and bodily sensations

If you start paying attention to them, feelings and physical «cues» will help you understand what you like and what you don’t.

Feelings and sensations can say a lot about our thoughts and interests. How do you feel when you draw, play sports, communicate with others? Are you happy and joyful? Are you tense or relaxed? What makes you laugh and what makes you cry?

3. Start making decisions

Decision making is a skill that develops over time. It needs to be pumped like a muscle so that it develops and stays in shape.

When ordering groceries for the whole family, don’t forget to buy something that you personally love. Order your favorite t-shirt from the online store, even if you are not sure that others will approve of your choice. When a friend or partner asks you what time you want to start watching the show, give your opinion instead of leaving the choice up to them.

4. נעמען די איניציאטיוו

Once you figure out what you’re interested in, start scheduling suitable activities at least once or twice a week. Set yourself a date by planning a nice day. Meditate, watch a new movie, take a relaxing bath.

The main thing is to act. Finally start doing what you like, step by step closer to your real self.

About the author: Denise Oleski is a psychotherapist.