גרויס קלאַפּ: ווי צו לערנען נישט צו קאָכן פֿאַר קיין סיבה

Anxiety, irritation, anger, rage, fear – when these emotions burst out, we can start screaming and lashing out at those around us. We experience a colossal emotional overload, and relatives fall under the hot hand.

It happens differently: we hold back emotions and seem to “boil” from the inside. Of course, others like our behavior much more, but for us, the price for holding emotions is too high. Boiling is often accompanied by psychosomatic reactions: the eyes darken with anger, the legs go numb, unspoken indignation transforms into a sore throat, unexpressed anger into a headache, and repressed anxiety and fear provoke jamming or other eating disorders.

How does emotional “boiling” happen?

1. Precontact

Do you tend to get irritated, boil over and explode often? First of all, it is important to understand what factors provoke this condition, to study the situations and triggers that cause boiling. For example, it can be a feeling of injustice when someone is offended in front of your eyes. Or – surprise and anger because you were unfairly cheated: for example, they cut the New Year’s bonus, for which you have already made plans. Or – violation of borders, when all your relatives want to come to you for the holidays, for which you will have to clean up all the holidays.

It is worth thoroughly studying all the situations that precede the outburst of negative emotions, and if possible avoid them. Talk with relatives about the conditions of the meeting that are comfortable for you, and if this is not possible, increase the distance. Find out in advance in the accounting department about the premium in order to avoid an unpleasant surprise.

You can always change, if not the situation, then your attitude towards it, mark the boundaries, clearly say what exactly does not suit you, and offer another solution.

2. בוילינג

At this stage, we are already involved in the situation and react to it. Sometimes we are deliberately provoked in order to be able to manipulate us. It is important to learn to notice such dirty tricks. Ask yourself why your counterpart needs you to boil. What is its benefit? So, during business negotiations, sometimes a conflict is deliberately provoked so that the interlocutor gives out important information on emotions, and then makes a concession in order to save face.

In personal relationships, it happens that a partner specifically forces us to play his game. For example, a man provokes a girl to tears. She starts to cry, and he says: “You are all the same, you are the same as the others, I knew it.” The girl gets involved in the game, begins to swear in love, proving that she is “not like that”, while the reason for the tears remains “behind the scenes”.

Realizing what is the benefit of the interlocutor, try to slow down. Ask yourself what is the best thing to do to stick to your interests.

3. יקספּלאָוזשאַן

At this moment, we can do nothing else but get out of the situation altogether. During the affect and explosion, it is important to realize who is next to us.

Unfortunately, many of us tend to tolerate and not express emotions to those to whom they are addressed, such as a boss or business partner. We bring these emotions home and pour them out on loved ones, on those who love us, and sometimes even weaker and cannot respond. So, mothers yell at their children if it was a bad day at work, while they themselves withstand aggression from husbands who are not recognized by their boss.

If you feel that you are about to explode, look for a worthy opponent, someone who can withstand your affect.

For example, the second adult. Also, at least try to understand what exactly you want. Break out just to relieve stress? Then find another way to discharge – for example, go to the gym. How you get out of the situation depends on your ability to understand yourself and manage emotions.

4. Subsidence of emotions

Anger and resentment are replaced by shame and guilt. Be careful with them. Of course, these regulators of behavior help us understand how to better communicate with people. But it is important not to lose the reason for boiling, because it is the key to change. Shame and guilt obscure the cause, we become embarrassed to talk about what led to the explosion, and we focus on eliminating its consequences. This helps to stay in a relationship, but you should analyze what preceded the conflict and what can be done next time to avoid boiling over.

If no precautions are taken, the boiling phase will inevitably be followed by an explosion. Therefore, be attentive to yourself and learn to manage the situation, taking into account the peculiarities of your emotional state.