“I know you consider me a loser!”, “You always only promise, but you never do anything!”, “I should have guessed…” Often, communicating with others, especially on important and sensitive topics, we find ourselves in a variety of traps. Conversation stalls, and sometimes communication comes to naught. How to avoid the most common pitfalls?
After hanging up, Max realized that he had failed again. He so wanted to restore relations with his adult daughter, he got in touch with her again … But she literally set traps at every step, upsetting him, making him worry, and then ended the conversation, declaring that he was behaving inappropriately.
Anna had to deal with something similar at work. It seemed to her that the boss hated her. Every time she addressed him, he got off with a monosyllabic answer that did not help her in any way. When she asked him to explain in more detail, he directed her to another employee, who also could not say anything worthwhile. Confused, Anna tried to ask the question again, but was called indecisive and «too sensitive» in response.
Maria and Philip went to a restaurant to celebrate their eleventh wedding anniversary. The conversation started well, but Philip suddenly complained that the lobsters on the menu were too expensive. Maria was already tired of constantly listening to complaints about the lack of money and high prices, and she became offendedly silent. This displeased her husband, and they hardly spoke for the rest of the dinner.
All of these are examples of the traps we fall into even when we try to have a constructive dialogue. Max’s daughter was passive-aggressively trying to avoid the conversation. Anna’s boss was frankly rude to her. And Mary and Philip began the same disputes that spoiled both moods.
Consider the types of traps that most people fall into.
1. Thinking on the principle of «All or nothing.» We see only two extremes — black and white: «You are always late», «I never get anything right!», «It will be either this or that, and nothing else.»
How to bypass the trap: do not force the interlocutor to choose between two extremes, offer a reasonable compromise.
2. אָווערגענעראַליזאַטיאָן. We exaggerate the scale of individual problems: “This bullying will never stop!”, “I will never cope with this!”, “This will never end!”.
How to bypass the trap: remember that one negative statement — yours or the interlocutor — does not mean that the conversation is over.
3. Psychological filter. We focus on one negative comment, ignoring all the positive ones. For example, we notice only criticism, forgetting that before that we received several compliments.
How to bypass the trap: Do not ignore positive comments and pay less attention to negative ones.
4. Disrespect for success. We minimize the importance of our achievements or the success of the interlocutor. “All that you have achieved there means nothing. Have you done anything for me lately?”, “You communicate with me only out of pity.”
How to bypass the trap: do your best to focus on the good.
5. «Reading minds.» We imagine that others think badly of us. «I know that you think I’m a fool», «She must be mad at me.»
How to bypass the trap: check your assumptions. Did she say she was mad at you? If not, don’t assume the worst. Such assumptions interfere with honesty and openness in communication.
6. Attempts to predict the future. We assume the worst outcome. “She will never like my idea”, “Nothing will ever come of this.”
How to bypass the trap: do not predict that everything will end badly.
7. Exaggeration or understatement. We either “make a molehill out of a molehill” or we don’t take something seriously enough.
How to bypass the trap: correctly evaluate the context — everything depends on it. Do not try to look for hidden meaning where there is none.
8. Submission to emotions. We thoughtlessly trust our feelings. “I feel like a fool — I guess I am”, “I am tormented by guilt — that means I really am guilty.”
How to bypass the trap: accept your feelings, but do not show them in a conversation and do not shift the responsibility for them to the interlocutor.
9. Statements with the word «should.» We criticize ourselves and others by using the words “should”, “must”, “should”.
How to bypass the trap: avoid these expressions. The word “should” suggests guilt or shame, and it may be unpleasant for the interlocutor to hear that he “should” do something.
10. Labeling. We stigmatize ourselves or others for making a mistake. «I’m a loser», «You’re a fool.»
How to bypass the trap: try not to label, remember that they can cause a lot of emotional harm.
11. Accusations. We blame others or ourselves, even though they (or we) may not be responsible for what happens. “It’s my fault that you married him!”, “It’s your fault that our marriage is falling apart!”.
How to bypass the trap: take responsibility for your life and do not blame others for what they are not responsible for.
By learning to avoid these pitfalls, you will be able to communicate more effectively and productively. Before important or emotionally intense conversations, you need to mentally go over the list again.