באַציונגען מיט נאַרסיסיסץ: 11 כּללים פון נאַטור

Psychologist and writer Shahida Arabi has been researching the topic of dysfunctional relationships for many years, writing self-help books for those who have experienced the destructive power of narcissists, studying the problems of emotional abuse and developing strategies for behavior for those who have fallen into the power of various «manipulators». «.

Speaking with «survivors of narcissists», the writer formulated a list of actions that should be avoided if you are in a relationship with such a partner. She reminds us that the patterns of behavior of such people are quite predictable, but we can maintain peace of mind if we do not count on their support and sympathy.

Here is a list of things to avoid when dealing with a toxic loved one, whether it’s a co-worker, partner, friend, or relative.

1. Don’t travel together

Those who have been in a relationship with a narcissist often talk about how their dream vacation turned into hell. Moreover, in some cases, we are even talking about a honeymoon, which, in theory, should be one of the most romantic events in a person’s life. Going with a partner to distant lands, narcissists create conditions in order to isolate him and fully show their dark sides.

If your companion has already behaved inappropriately: devalued you, tortured you with silence, humiliated and insulted you — be sure that a change of scenery will only provoke him, because where no one knows you, you will not be able to ask for support.

2. Do not celebrate special dates and favorite holidays together

Narcissists are known for their tendency to sabotage those events that can make their colleagues, friends, and partners happy and divert attention from themselves, «great and terrible.» Therefore, it is better for them simply not to know that an important day has come for you.

3. Avoid meeting friends with a narcissist

Often people with a narcissistic personality type at parties begin to flirt with new acquaintances. Thus, they make the partner worry and compete for their attention. This can hurt your self-esteem, not to mention the fact that your mood will definitely deteriorate. “You will feel pain and alienation, because the narcissist charms the crowd, devaluing you,” explains Shahida Arabi.

It is important to remember that narcissists tend to create these relationships not only in the family, but also at work and in the therapist’s office. They pit colleagues, relatives and acquaintances against each other in order to feel better and feel power over others.

4. Refuse to attend family holidays together

Narcissists can upset you in advance in order to put you in an unsightly light in front of your family: look, they say, how emotionally unstable she is! Meanwhile, they themselves look calm and balanced against your background. «Don’t give them that chance! If a visit is unavoidable, try to remain calm,” warns Shahida Arabi.

5. Ignore the Love Bombings

Love bombing, or love bombing, are actions that at the beginning of a relationship are aimed at accelerating the rapprochement, both emotional and physical, with a potential “victim”. You may be bombarded with letters and messages, you may be sent flowers and gifts — this is how a potential partner hopes to create a strong bond with you as soon as possible. But how well do you know him?

In a long-term relationship, such actions help to return the partner’s favor. The narcissist ignores or puts you down, but if you show that you are ready to «off the hook», he becomes abruptly gentle and caring. If you’re getting bombed, try not to reply to every message right away, don’t let the fan fill up all your time. This will give you the opportunity to rethink what is happening.

6. Give up financial relationships and contracts with narcissists

Don’t lend them money or ask for financial help. Moreover, you should not enter into any legally formalized relationship with them. “You will always pay more for this than the narcissist,” the expert is sure.

7. Limit verbal communication

If you and the narcissist have any business or personal relationship, if they threaten, manipulate or blackmail, if possible, do not discuss this with him on the phone or in person. Try to contact via messages or mail. And if you still have to communicate in person, record what is happening on the recorder. In the future, these testimonies may be useful to you.

8. Do not visit a psychologist together and do not share your plans

If the partner shows signs of narcissism, it is better to refuse joint therapy. Unfortunately, anything you say in a specialist’s office can be used against you. Instead, it is better to pay attention to yourself and go to a therapist on your own. In this way, you can work through your traumas and learn to resist the harmful influence of a narcissist.

It’s also better not to tell him about your plans for later life: if you want to leave a partner, he can sabotage your attempts to leave him. It is better to prepare all the necessary documents first and find a safe haven, warns Shahida Arabi.

9. Don’t call a narcissist a narcissist

If you «diagnose» your partner, you will meet with his anger. Even worse, he may try to punish you for your «impertinence». When narcissists realize that you doubt their superiority over you, they become furious and try to punish.

Narcissistic people do not accept any criticism in their address, but they are ready for a lot to regain power over their partner. Most likely, they will react to your words with either gaslighting or another «love bombing».

10. Don’t share your innermost things with a narcissist.

In a healthy relationship, we open up to our partner, and he accepts this with gratitude and participation. But if a narcissist finds out about your pain, fears and injuries, be sure: he will definitely use the information against you. Sooner or later, everything that he knows will help him make you look «abnormal», «unstable», «insane». When you think about sharing important experiences with new acquaintances, first consider: are these people worthy of your trust?

11. Don’t ask the narcissist for help.

Narcissists lack empathy. We know many stories of narcissistic partners abandoning and betraying their companions at the worst moments of their lives. These are husbands who have affairs while their wife is in custody, and wives who cheat on spouses who are seriously ill or have faced heavy losses. If you have a «support group» of friends or family, it’s better to rely on them than someone with a narcissistic personality type, Arabi says.

The psychologist reminds: it is not your fault that you suffered from a relationship with a narcissist, but you can reduce the harm from communicating with him by learning more about his habits and behavior.