ינהאַלט
“Am I going to love her that much?” », A question that we inevitably ask ourselves one day when we are expecting our second baby. Logically, we already know the first one, we love it very much, how can we manage to give so much love to this little being that we do not yet know? What if it was normal? Update with our expert.
Parents: Can we love our children as much but… differently?
Florence Millot: Why not just accept the idea that you never love your children so much, or the same way? After all, these are not the same people, they necessarily send us something different according to their temperament, our expectations, and also the context of their birth. Finding yourself unemployed or in a relationship that is struggling at the birth of the second, for example, can make the attachment more complex. Conversely, if the youngest looks like us a lot, it can subconsciously reassure us, promote the bond.
Forging strong bonds can also take days, weeks, months, even a few years for some moms. And the fact that our society sanctifies the image of the perfect mother cherishing her baby from birth does not make it easy for us …
Is it serious to prefer one of your children?
F. M. : Even though not all parents necessarily realize it or refuse to admit it, we love each of our children for different reasons and to varying degrees, whether we like it or not. Unlike our friends, we don’t choose our children, we adapt to them, so, when one responds better to our expectations, we will naturally maintain more complicity with him. The important thing is that each child finds his emotional account between his father, his mother and the other members of the family, striving to love them alike is as impossible as it is useless since, depending on their age or their character, children do not have the same needs for love and attention and do not express them in the same way.
When should we talk about it?
F. M. : When our behavior gives rise to fraternal jealousy – even if, of course, there is some in all families, any member of the siblings needing to feel unique – and the child tells us how he feels being less loved or having difficulty finding your place, you have to talk about it. Even if it means consulting a specialist to accompany us, to help us find the right words, because it is still a very taboo subject. What mother would like to admit to her child that she indeed has more hooks with her brother or sister? This external assistance will also be able to reassure us on a crucial point: it’s okay not to love them the same, and that doesn’t make us bad parents!
Discussing it with those around us, our friends, will also help us to play down the situation and reassure ourselves: others too can have had enough of their offspring or be crossed by ambivalent feelings, and that does not prevent them from loving their children. .
How can I avoid hurting my child?
F. M. : Sometimes we do not realize that our attitude gives the child the impression of being loved less than his brother or sister. If he comes to complain, we start by asking him in what situations he felt left out, to rectify the situation and reassure him at best. Then, besides kisses and hugs, why not think about activities in which we will be able to meet and share special moments?
It’s not about behaving identically with your children. On the contrary, buying the same gifts or hugging at the same time risks creating a rivalry among the siblings, who will try to stand out in our eyes. Also, our 11-year-old elder does not necessarily have the same emotional needs as his 2-year-old sister. The main thing is that everyone feels loved, valued on its respective singularities: sport, studies, human qualities, etc.
Anne-Sophie’s testimony: “The eldest had the exclusivity for seven years! “
Louise, my grown-up, is a very sensitive young girl, quite shy, discreet … She was eager, around 5-6 years old, to have a little brother or a little sister … Pauline, she is a child who takes her place without ask if it bothers, unfiltered, very spontaneous and very determined.
Suffice to say that the two are not very accomplices … Very jealous, Louise has always “rejected” more or less her sister. We often joke by telling her that she is lucky not to have six brothers and sisters… We also try to explain to her that she had the exclusivity for 7 years. If she had had a little brother, it might have been different. She would not already have had to bequeath so many things to the little one: toys, clothes, books… ”
Anne Sophie, 38 years old, mother of Louise, 12 years old, and Pauline, 5 and a half years old
Can this change over time?
F. M. : Nothing is ever fixed, the links evolve from birth to adulthood. A mother may prefer one of her children when he is small or be very close to him, and he loses his status as a darling as he grows up. Over time, as you get to know your child, the one you felt least close to, you may come to admire his qualities that you would have liked to have had – for example, if you are introverted and your son has a very sociable character – and set our sights on him because he is complementary to us. In short, there are almost always preferences and generally that changes. One time is one, then the other. And once more.
Interview by Dorothée Louessard
* Author of the blog www.pédagogieinnovante.com, and of the books “There are monsters under my bed” and “The Toltec principles applied to children”, ed. Hatchet.