ניו באציונגען: ווי צו באַקומען דייַגעס און הנאה לעבן

When you first start dating someone, anxiety and anxiety are natural emotions because relationships are unpredictable and can be quite scary at times, writes Greene. But being nervous in such a situation is not very productive: uncertainty can alienate a partner. Your chosen one may not understand what the matter is, but he will feel that you are uncomfortable with him, which means that you do not like him.

In order not to ask premature questions about where the relationship will lead, and not to force things by giving the partner the feeling that he is under pressure, Green advises mastering three techniques.

1. Treat your own anxiety with compassion

The voice of your inner critic sometimes sounds harsh, but if you listen carefully, you will understand that this is not an adult speaking, but a frightened little child. Most often, we either silence this voice or argue with it, but this only exacerbates the internal struggle. And there are no winners in the struggle with oneself.

Green suggests imagining a little girl who comes to you and asks, «Am I not good enough?» You probably wouldn’t yell at her, but rather explain that she’s wonderful and try to figure out how she came to that conclusion. You would definitely listen to the girl’s story and help you look at her in a new way from the position of an adult who knows for sure that this child is worthy of love.

The same is true before a date. Greene advises to write down everything that worries you and enter into a positive dialogue with these thoughts, while maintaining a sense of self-confidence. Ask an adult yourself:

• Is this statement true?
• How do I feel when I think about it?
• Are there at least three examples that can prove otherwise?

Treating different facets of ourselves with love and compassion, while gently confronting the beliefs that limit us, self-esteem will only improve, Greene says.

2. Determine what you need and reach out to your loved ones

There are many ways to avoid painful feelings. Someone eats, someone watches TV, someone finds solace in alcohol. Others work hard to avoid feeling sadness, fear, anger, envy, or shame. Many fear that if they allow themselves to live through these feelings, they will forever fall into the abyss of experiences and will no longer be able to get out of them, says Green.

But in fact, feelings are a kind of road signs that point the way to our needs and values, as well as how to achieve them. The coach gives an example: Imagine putting your hand in a hot oven and not feeling anything. Most likely, you will come to the erroneous conclusion that something is being cooked in the kitchen, because it smells like food. It was the pain that was supposed to tell you that something was going wrong.

However, one should feel the difference between needs and need. Need implies an urgent need for the partner to immediately fulfill everything that we want. Each of us at least once experienced such feelings, recalls Green. Moreover, we have all come across people who demand to do something the way they said, and nothing else.

Everyone has emotional needs, and if we discard them, then we usually do not need relationships and we repel those who try to give us happiness. But true emotional health lies in the ability to identify what we really need and find multiple ways to get it. This way we can satisfy our needs and not focus on how exactly this will happen.

The next time you have an unpleasant feeling, Greene advises asking yourself: “What do I want most of all?” Perhaps you need more attention from your partner, but you just started dating, and it’s too early to ask him for it. It is worth addressing this request to those with whom you are close — family and friends. Trusting close communication with them will serve as a basis for self-confidence, which will support you on a date.

This tactic may seem counterintuitive to you, but when we find ourselves on a date with someone we really like, it often feels like we are one step away from making our dream come true. This feeling captures us so much that it is very difficult to switch to something else. But that’s exactly what needs to be done, says Green. Friends and family can be of great support to us.

Of course, you don’t have to give up dating completely, but if you alternate them with meetings with loved ones, life will become much easier.

3. Talk about your feelings and desires in a way that inspires you.

When we are not confident in ourselves, we most often suppress our desires and do what is convenient for others. But anxiety will not disappear from this, but will only grow and lead to resentment. By the time it’s time to share our feelings, emotions will overwhelm us so much that the partner will have to defend himself, and this will lead to conflict.

Those who are self-confident share their experiences and desires and offer to discuss them. They believe that this is important for a partner and you can always find a compromise. For example, if you’re feeling lonely, Greene advises sharing your feelings, such as, «What’s been happening lately has thrown me off my feet, but talking to you helps a lot. Maybe we could talk more often?

Before meeting with your partner, give yourself time to feel your emotions, analyze the limitations that anxiety sets, and communicate with loved ones. And when you finally find yourself on a date, don’t be afraid to talk about your desires — let your partner feel that he can really support you.