ליבע - באַווייַזן: ווי צו האַלטן דימאַנדינג עס פון אַ שוטעף

Strictly speaking, it is impossible to convince another that we love him: our feeling of being loved depends not only on how the partner behaves, but also on whether we are able to accept his feelings, whether we believe in their sincerity. Confirmations are required in the case when, for one reason or another, there is no faith.

Doubts can be justified or unfounded, but the main thing is that they do not allow you to feel love, even if the partner diligently shows it. If there is faith, then it is no longer about the requirements of evidence, but rather about the missing manifestations of love.

Let’s take a closer look at the possible causes of doubt. Three basic scenarios can be distinguished.

1. They really don’t like us, but we don’t want to believe it.

The scenario is unpleasant, but sometimes doubts that we are loved can be quite justified. Everyone has their own criteria for love, but the main indicator that something is going wrong is when we feel bad, and even if the partner makes efforts to change the situation, everything ultimately remains the same.

It would seem that everything is simple: if they don’t like us, we need to leave. Why then wait for proof of love? To maintain the habitual stable image of relations. It is with great difficulty that we part with the safe and understandable, because the new is always unknown and scary. Our psyche needs time to realize what is happening and rebuild. In psychology, this process is called mourning.

We literally mourn what was precious to us: meaningful relationships, feeling protected, familiar images of ourselves and a partner. Everyone grieves differently: shocked, in denial, haggling to make things the same, demanding proof, getting angry, depressed, crying. Sometimes we go through all these stages until we finally understand that we are ready to accept the current situation.

It is important to give yourself time for this and enlist support. When the realization comes that the previous relationship is no more, and the current one does not suit us, the desire to part with a partner, as a rule, becomes obvious and natural. However, this path becomes much more difficult if the fear of losing the relationship is too strong.

וואָס צו טאָן?

• Do not cut off the shoulder: it is important to understand the reasons for the doubts, to understand how justified they are.
• Share your thoughts and experiences with your partner. If you do not feel his love, tell him about it, explain why this is so and what exactly you are missing, and the more details, the better.
• Give yourself time to hear the inner answer to the question of whether you want to stay in this relationship. If, after a heart-to-heart talk, it is still bad, but you cannot make a decision on your own, it is advisable to seek help from a psychologist.

2. We are loved, but we find it hard to believe

This scenario is directly related to the traumatic experience once experienced. To understand How long he feels about you, it is useful to ask yourself the question of what exactly causes doubts in love, how reasonable they are, and whether you have ever felt something like this before.

Child-parent relationships lay the foundation for our interaction with ourselves and with the world. So, for example, the daughter of a man who left the family or regularly raises his hand to his relatives, as a rule, develops distrust of men. And the boy, whom his mother sparingly hugged only for special merits, learns that he is not worthy of unconditional love, which means that he will doubt the feelings of his beloved woman.

As a result of receiving psychological trauma, children begin to look at the world through the glasses of distrust and merge with them in such a way that, even when they meet a completely different attitude towards themselves, they subconsciously expect a repetition of that same painful experience. Tormented by doubts, they strive to obtain evidence of their partner’s love, but even after repeated confirmations they cannot calm down: the learned distrust is stronger.

We can show rather than prove love, and the partner has the right to believe or not believe in our feelings. And if you find yourself in the “do not believe — prove it” cycle, this is a sure sign of being stuck in a previously received psychotrauma.

וואָס צו טאָן?

• Pay attention to the difference between what was once in childhood or in a previous painful relationship, and how the current partner behaves.
• Share with your partner your fears of intimacy and trust and doubts about his love. The best evidence that the past is behind you is the sincere surprise of your partner in response to your story.

3. We miss something: signs of attention, hugs, adventures

This scenario is not really about proof of love, but rather about the fact that you are missing something right now. Relationships are not linear: at some moments they may be closer, at others less so. New projects, a change of status, the birth of children significantly affect us, and at some point we may feel a lack of partner’s love — more precisely, some of its manifestations.

Our feelings are significantly influenced by what love languages ​​we speak to each other. Everyone has their own set: hugs, gifts, help in solving difficulties, intimate conversations … You probably have one or two leading ways to express and perceive love. Your partner may be completely different.

For example, a husband may regularly give flowers to his wife as a sign of his feelings, but she will not feel his love, because most of all she needs bodily contact and conversations with him. In family counseling, the discovery of such a difference in perception is often a real discovery, even in couples living together for ten or even twenty years.

וואָס צו טאָן?

• Tell your partner what is important to you, and the more specific the better. For example: “It is important for me that when you come home, you hug and kiss me, and then sit on the sofa with me and, holding my hand, tell me how your day went. That’s how I feel loved.»

Many will object: it turns out that we are begging for declarations of love, which means that this will not be considered. Will. It’s okay to talk about yourself and what’s important to you. This is how you contribute to the relationship. We are very different, but we can’t read each other’s thoughts, even if we really want to. Your responsibility in a relationship is to feel good about it, which means it’s important to talk about yourself to your partner and talk about what you need. As a rule, if he is able to fulfill your needs, then he will readily do it.

• Ask your partner what language they use to express their love. Start noticing how he does it. You will be surprised how many mini-feats we perform for each other every day.

At sessions of psychological counseling for families, I often come across the fact that spouses do not notice manifestations of love for each other — they simply consider them a given or something insignificant. The husband did not wake up his wife and took the child to the garden, put on her favorite sweater, called to the restaurant so as not to bother cooking. The wife bought her beloved a new shirt, listened to his stories about work all evening, put the children to bed early and arranged a romantic evening. There are many examples of manifestations of love. It is up to us whether we notice them.

Personally, I have been in each of the situations described above and I am incredibly grateful for this experience. The first scenario was the most painful for me, but it helped me turn to face myself, the second allowed me to work through many psychological traumas and taught me to distinguish between fears and reality, and the third finally proved the need for dialogue with loved ones. Sometimes it was difficult for me to distinguish one scenario from another, and yet I was convinced that if there is a desire to help yourself and hear the answer, it will definitely come.