ינהאַלט
Baby-clash: the keys to avoid it
“Mathieu and I are delighted to be parents soon, we very much wanted this baby and we are looking forward to it. But we saw so many couples of friends around us separate a few months after the arrival of their Titou that we are freaking out! Will our couple also be shattered? Will this “happy event” so much vaunted by all of society ultimately turn into a cataclysm? »Blandine and her companion Mathieu are not the only future parents to fear the famous baby-clash. Is this a myth or a reality? According to Dr Bernard Geberowicz *, this phenomenon is very real: “ 20 to 25% of couples separate in the first months after the baby is born. And the number of baby-clashes is constantly increasing. “
How can a newborn baby put the parental couple in such danger? Different factors can explain it. First difficulty encountered by new parents, going from two to three requires making room for a tiny intruder, you have to change your pace of life, give up your little habits together. Added to this constraint is the fear of not succeeding, of not being up to this new role, of disappointing your partner. Emotional weakness, physical and psychological fatigue, for her as for him, also weigh heavily on marital harmony. It is not easy either to accept the other, his differences and his family culture which inevitably resurface when the child appears! Dr Geberowicz underlines that the increase in baby-clashes is certainly also linked to the fact that the average age of the first baby is 30 years in France. Parents, and in particular women, combine responsibilities and professional, personal and social activities. Motherhood comes in the midst of all these priorities, and the tensions are likely to be greater and greater. Last point, and it is notable, today couples have more tendency to separate as soon as a difficulty appears. The baby therefore acts as a catalyst that reveals or even exacerbates the problems existing before his arrival between the two future parents. We understand better why starting a small family is a delicate step to negotiate …
Accept the inevitable changes
However, we must not dramatize! A couple in love can perfectly manage this crisis situation, thwart traps, defuse misunderstandings and avoid the baby-clash. First of all by showing lucidity. No couple passes through, the arrival of a newborn inevitably triggers turbulence. To imagine that nothing is going to change only makes the situation worse. The couples who escape the baby-clash are those who anticipate from the pregnancy that changes will come and that the balance will be modified, who understand and accept this evolution, prepare for it, and do not think of life together as a lost paradise. The past relationship should especially not be the reference of happiness, we will discover, together, a new way of being happy. It is difficult to imagine the nature of the development that the baby will bring to each one, it is personal and intimate. On the other hand, it is essential not to fall into the trap of idealization and stereotypes. The real baby, the one who cries, who keeps his parents from sleeping, has nothing to do with the perfect infant imagined for nine months! What we feel has nothing to do with the idyllic vision we had of what a father, a mother, a family is. Becoming parents is not just happiness, and it is essential to recognize that you are like everyone else. The more we accept our negative emotions, our ambivalence, sometimes even our regrets for having embarked on this mess, the more we move away from the risk of premature separation.
It is also the moment to bet on conjugal solidarity. Fatigue linked to childbirth, to the aftermath of childbirth, to choppy nights, to the new organization is unavoidable and it is essential to recognize it, at home as in the other, because it decreases the thresholds of tolerance and irritability. . We are not content to wait for our companion to spontaneously come to the rescue, we do not hesitate to ask for his help, he will not realize on his own that we cannot take it anymore, he is not diviner. It is a good period to promote solidarity in the couple. Apart from physical fatigue, it is essential to recognize your emotional fragility, to be vigilant not to let depression set in. So we pay attention to each other, we verbalize our blues, our mood swings, our doubts, our questions, our disappointments.
Even more than at other times, dialogue is essential to maintain the bond and cohesion of the couple. Knowing how to listen to yourself is important, knowing how to accept the other as he is and not as we would like him to be is just as important. The roles of “good father” and “good mother” are nowhere written. Everyone must be able to express their desires and act according to their skills. The more rigid the expectations, the more we consider that the other does not assume his role correctly, and the more disappointment is at the end of the road, with its procession of reproaches. Parenthood is gradually being put in place, becoming a mother, becoming a father takes time, it is not immediate, you have to be flexible and value your partner to help him feel more and more legitimate.
Rediscover the path of intimacy
Another difficulty can arise in an unforeseen and devastating way: the jealousy of the spouse towards the newcomer.. As Dr Geberowicz points out, “Problems arise when one feels the other is caring more for the baby than for him and feels abandoned, abandoned. From birth, it is normal for an infant to become the center of the world. It is essential that both parents understand that the merging of the mother with her child during the first three or four months is necessary, for him as for her. They both have to admit that the couple takes a back seat for a while. Going for a romantic weekend alone is impossible, it would be detrimental to the balance of the newborn, but the mum / baby clinch does not take place 24 hours a day. Nothing prevents the parents. to share small moments of intimacy for two, once the baby is asleep. We cut the screens and we take the time to meet, to chat, to rest, to cuddle, so that the father does not feel excluded. And who says intimacy does not necessarily mean sex.The resumption of sexual intercourse is the cause of much discord. A woman who has just given birth is not at the top libido level, neither physically nor psychologically.
On the hormonal side either. And well-meaning friends never fail to point out that a baby kills the couple, that a normally constituted man risks being tempted to look elsewhere if his wife does not immediately resume making love! If one of them puts pressure on the other and demands to resume sex too soon, the couple is in peril. It is all the more regrettable that it is possible to have a physical proximity, even sensual, without it being question of sex. There is no predefined timing, sex should be neither an issue, nor a demand, nor a constraint. It suffices to re-circulate desire, not to move away from pleasure, to touch oneself, to make efforts to please the other, to show him that he pleases us, that we care about him as sexual partner, and that even if we don’t want to have sex now, we want it to come back. This putting into perspective of a future return of physical desire reassures and avoids entering into the vicious circle where each waits for the other to take the first step: “I can see that she / he no longer wants me, that is. is that right, suddenly me either, I no longer want him / her, that’s normal ”. Once the lovers are in phase again, the presence of the baby inevitably induces changes in the couple’s sexuality. This new information must be taken into account, intercourse is no longer so spontaneous and we must deal with the fear that the baby will hear and wake up. But let’s be reassured, if conjugal sexuality loses spontaneity, it gains in intensity and depth.
Breaking isolation and knowing how to surround yourself
The impact of the difficulties that the couple is going through will be multiplied if the new parents remain in a closed circuit, because the isolation reinforces their impression of not being competent. In previous generations, young women who gave birth were surrounded by their own mother and other women in the family, they benefited from a transmission of know-how, advice and support. Today young couples feel alone, helpless, and they dare not complain. When a baby arrives and you are inexperienced, it is legitimate to ask questions of friends who have already had a baby, of family. You can also go to social networks and forums to find comfort. We feel less alone when we talk to other parents who are going through the same problems. Be careful, finding tons of contradictory advice can also become anxious, you have to be careful and trust your common sense. And if you are really in difficulty, do not hesitate to seek advice from competent specialists. As for the family, here again, you have to find the right distance. So we adopt the values and family traditions in which we recognize ourselves, we follow the advice we deem relevant, and we leave without guilt any those who do not correspond to the parental couple that we are building.
* Author of “The couple facing the arrival of the child. Overcome the baby-clash ”, ed. Albin Michel