ינהאַלט
Everyone fights and gets angry sometimes. But it can be difficult to bear the tantrums and outbursts of rage of another person, because we often do not understand how to respond to this anger. Clinical psychologist Aaron Carmine explains why trying to calm an angry person only adds fuel to the fire.
We act with the best of intentions when we try to get through to a person in a rage. But more often than not, neither arguments, nor attempts to laugh it off, much less threats, help to cope with the situation and only exacerbate the conflict. We have not learned how to deal with such emotional problems, so we make mistakes. What are we doing wrong?
1. We prove our innocence
“Honestly, I didn’t do it!” Such phrases give the impression that we are calling the opponent a liar and are in the mood for confrontation. It is unlikely that this will help to calm the interlocutor. The problem is not who is guilty or innocent. We are not criminals, and we do not need to justify ourselves. The problem is that the interlocutor is angry, and this anger hurts him. Our task is to alleviate it, not aggravate it by fomenting conflict.
2. Trying to order
“Darling, pull yourself together. Get it together! Stop immediately!” He does not want to obey orders — he wants to control others himself. It is better to focus on self-control. It is painful and bad not only for him. Only we ourselves can prevent him from unsettling us.
3. טריינג צו פאָרויסזאָגן די צוקונפֿט
Our life is now being controlled by someone else, and we are trying to solve this unpleasant problem by escaping into the future. We come up with imaginary solutions: “If you don’t stop immediately, you will be in trouble,” “I will leave you,” “I will call the police.” A person will rightly perceive such statements as threats, a bluff, or an attempt to compensate for our sense of our own powerlessness. He will not be impressed, it will hurt him more. Better stay in the present.
4. We try to rely on logic
Often we make the mistake of trying to find a logical solution to emotional problems: «Darling, be reasonable, think carefully.» We are mistaken, hoping that anyone can be persuaded if strong arguments are given. As a result, we only waste time on explanations that will not bring any benefit. We cannot influence his feelings with our logic.
5. Gaining Understanding
It is pointless to try to convince a person in anger to understand the situation and realize their mistakes. Now he perceives this as an attempt to manipulate him and subjugate him to our will, or make him look wrong, although he «knows» that he is «right», or simply make him look like a fool.
6. Denying him the right to be angry
«You have no right to be mad at me after everything I’ve done for you.» Anger is not a “right”, it is an emotion. Therefore, this argument is absurd. In addition, depriving a person of the right to anger, you thereby devalue him. He takes it to heart, you hurt him.
Do not forget that a minor reason for an outburst, like “You knocked over my glass!”, Is most likely just a reason that lies on the surface. And beneath him is a whole sea of accumulated rage, which for a long time was not given an outlet. Therefore, you should not try to prove that your interlocutor is allegedly angry because of nonsense.
7. Trying to be funny
«Your face turned red, so funny.» It does nothing to reduce the intensity of the rage. You mock the person, thereby showing that you do not take his anger seriously. These emotions cause him considerable pain, and it is important for him to be taken seriously. Do not put out fires with gasoline. Sometimes humor helps to lighten the mood, but not in this situation.